Freud once called female sexuality "the dark continent," and if that's true, then male sexuality might as well be the dark planet. Because when it comes to sex , men are far from simple. As much as they may try to convince us otherwise. The bedroom is one of the great stages of male performance, so what you see on TV is typically far from what can and should be delivered in reality. That's why sex experts chimed in with more accurate insight about what guys really want you to know when the two of you climb into bed.
Here are their top sex tips for women. It's believed that men are so consumed by libido that they have no self-consciousness surrounding sex. But that couldn't be further from the truth. Many are impacted by performance anxiety too, asking themselves questions like, "Will I be able to get an erection? That's when it can be helpful for him to hear compliments both in and out of the bedroom. Mintz suggests starting outside the bedroom, when you can have what she calls a "kitchen table sex talk" — AKA a lower-stakes time to discuss things that are bothering you in the bedroom without having to be "in the moment" of, well, having sex.
That's when your partner can talk about what pressures he's feeling, or what he's self-conscious about. Then, you can boost his confidence. Once you're in the bedroom and aware of his insecurities , remind him of how much you enjoy being intimate. For example, if he's worried about his weight, maybe give him a sexy once-over and tell him how how buff he looks naked.
Other key areas to compliment: His gut, as men often worry about the size of it and other measurable parts , and their hair, as guys tend to feel self-conscious once they start losing it. But not for the reason you think! Studies have shown that boys are more affectionate, even more expressive, than girls until they reach school age. At that time, social repression begins — of words, thoughts, feelings — and the desire for human connection goes underground.
So taboo is this desire for intimacy that its possibility can terrify men; not because it's smothering, but because they realize how desperate they are for it.
So what's a woman to do? First, understand that your guy's hasty retreat post-sex may be because he doesn't understand how much he craves a connection with you. Then, it's time for another kitchen table sex talk, Mintz says. When you do talk, Mintz suggests using the sandwich technique: Give him a compliment, tell him your problem, then follow it up with another compliment.
Example: "I really love having sex with you, and after we have sex I feel really close and connected. I know you really want to shower, but I really want to cuddle. Is there a compromise that will work for both of us? It can be as simple as asking to cuddle for five minutes before a shower, or even showering together.
Regardless of the solution, talking about it may reveal something you never knew, and allows fore more understanding before coming up with a new norm that'll make all parties happy. While intimacy and post-sex cuddling can be wonderful for many men, sometimes a little "throw-me-down sex" is exactly what they want, plain and simple. D, a psychotherapist and sexologist in Royal Oak, Michigan. So long as it's something you're comfortable with, of course. The penis gets all the press, but men have many erogenous zones, just like women, says psychologist Melodie Schaefer , PsyD.
They just don't tell you to move your hands elsewhere because they're afraid that if they do, women will shut down and not touch them at all, she explains. Another key move: Gently gripping a man's testicles, as it can be a real turn-on that blends control with release. You can also stimulate the perineum, the area between the scrotum and anus, which heightens pleasure during oral sex. Kort says. Similarly, Dr. Schaefer notes that men wish women would reveal their own sexual imaginings. The solution: Make a game of it. First and most important , promise not to judge the other.
Then, privately write out scenarios that have tantalized you and place them in a box. Next time you're feeling hot and heavy, pull one out. Either jump right into fulfilling that fantasy or, if you need a little more time to adjust, ask what it is about that fantasy that your partner likes, Dr. Talking during sex stimulates more than our ears, as Mintz says heavy breathing, groaning, and moaning are all sounds that we make when we're feeling free, and studies have shown that it's erotic for all parties involved to hear.
It's also a great way to really express what you want, which is a huge turn-on for men when they know they're doing exactly what you need to have an orgasm. If you're not usually one to speak up, Mintz suggests trying it solo first. Tell him exactly how you want to be touched and where, and using what and you'll his pleasure meter — and yours —through the roof. Sex can help ease many stressors in a relationship, but it can also cause stress. If he complains about a lack of sex or the fact that you're only doing certain things on his birthday , then be honest about what's causing you to withhold.
One reason that you may not even be aware of is an issue called receptive desire, Mintz says. But you can have sex to get [turned on], rather than wait to be [turned on] to have sex. If that's the case, Mintz says you shouldn't be using sex as a weapon — that's only going to cause more harm in the relationship — and should instead be honest about how you're feeling. If you're not comfortable bringing it up on your own or discussing it when your partner does , she suggests seeing a therapist, who can help the two of you navigate the issue in a healthy way.
Men like a good quest, so even if you've been together for awhile, allow your partner to court you. How do couples strike this tricky balance? By allowing each partner to have what he calls "separate sexuality," or a sex life that doesn't include or betray the other.
Finding a spouse using pornography is a top reason couples seek counsel, but it shouldn't be overreacted to or pathologized, Dr. Plus, because childhood experiences influence sexuality as an adult, people are very idiosyncratic about what turns them on, Dr. Still, it's tough not to take it personally when he's getting off by looking at another woman. To help tamper that, Dr. Kort recommends taking the secrecy out of pornography and discussing it. That way, a dialogue is created that allows for honesty, dignity, and closeness without him feeling like he's doing something shameful, while you can figure out what you're OK with accepting and what you're not.
Guys are often accused of being sexually insatiable, but women should rethink this line of thought. Schaefer says. We all move through life at the speed of sound, with multiple challenges and pressures. That makes it easy to allow demands on our time and energy to rob us of the joy, pleasure, and opportunity that sex affords us. And more often than not, sex ends up being at the bottom of a long list of priorities. But viewing sex through a different lens — something you want to do versus have to do — can make all the difference.
Plus, there are health benefits to sex. Orgasms release oxytocin, for example, a hormone that's nicknamed the "bonding hormone" for its ability to bring couples closer together while also alleviating stress , reducing blood pressure , and promoting healing. And who couldn't use more of that? Type keyword s to search. Today's Top Stories. Getty Images. Men respond to praise. Some fear intimacy. Advertisement - Continue Reading Below. More From Sex Tips.
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